Dear Reader,
I have something amazing to announce: I PASSED THE CALIFORNIA BAR EXAM!!!!
Even better, I passed the exam on my first attempt!!!!! Passing the California Bar Exam on my first attempt is something I feel so deeply and immensely proud of for so many reasons. This accomplishment is inspiring and exciting for anyone who has faced a bar exam. In general, bar exams are so long and arduous that they literally require multiple days to complete in virtually any state in the country. But, the California Bar is one of the most demanding professional exams in the country. The CA Bar Exam covers 14 different subjects of law, requires 200 multiple choice questions, five formal essay responses, and a professional performance test. Bar exams are only offered twice a year, so when you don’t pass you have to wait months before getting the opportunity to try again, and they cost thousands of dollars each time. The amount of pressure one feels throughout the process is so intense that it often becomes unmanageable and insurmountable. Then, to top it off, you have to wait an agonizing 2 months to receive your results. For me, preparing to sit for the bar exam felt like the biggest leap of faith – the biggest test of self-confidence, of self love, of endurance, and of personal boundaries – that I have faced to date. Passing at all, let alone on my first attempt, was not expected, easy, or guaranteed at all.
What makes this accomplishment especially meaningful is everything that was happening outside of studying. Life did not pause for bar prep. The same responsibilities, (election) stress, and uncertainty of the future all existed alongside the bar prep lectures and practice multiple choice questions. There were plenty of moments when it felt like no amount of studying was enough, when my scores refused to reflect the effort that I was pouring in, and when the weight of expectations – both my own and others’ – felt massive. Discipline ended up mattering more than motivation. Most days, simply showing up, sitting down, and sucking on chips and candy for hours on end while I studied and completed my practice questions was the win. Outside of studying, I cannot stress holistic self-care enough!!! When the stress and nerves tried to hi-jack my nervous system, I would pause studying and dedicate myself to a solid 30-minute (minimum) dance party. Seriously. Shake out the stress, pump up the blood in your body, and lose yourself in music that evokes positive memories and feelings. At the end of the day, the Bar Exam is a test of mental fortitude. It’s mind over matter. Leading up to the exam, I re-watched Kedrick Lamar’s Superbowl performance soooooo many times. Then, the day before the CA Bar Exam started, I gave my mom a 3-hour history lesson/live dance performance on the Hyphy Movement. I was limping and sore walking into the exam on game day, but I also felt so hu-hu-hu-hu-hu-hype and ready to talk my lawyer shit.
When the results are released, folks do not receive personal emails. There is a “Pass List” revealed online, and if your name is on the list – you passed! If not, go lick your wounds, heal, and prepare to try again. Eventually, that “Pass List” goes public, so you can look people up by name. But, in the first 24-hours after release, the list is only available to the test takers. When you check your results you have to enter your unique user code. Of course, when I went to check the Pass List and learn if I had passed or not, I entered the wrong unique user code! It took me a good 10-15 minutes of sheer heart-in-my-toes panic to figure out that I had entered the wrong code, and actually had passed the exam. This makes for a quirky, memorable story – but, in the moment, it was absolutely terrifying. My whole soul felt it had left my body.
“I don’t think I can pass this exam,” I thought to myself, “I gave this everything I had, and if that wasn’t enough, I’m not sure what else I can do to pass this thing.” Luckily, with a bit of encouragement from the people around me, I started plugging in different numbers from my state bar account page until I found my unique code and realized I passed! I’m not only proud of the result, but of who I had to become to achieve such a notorious stretch goal. Seeing that I passed wasn’t just a feeling of relief – it was a sense of total euphoria and immeasurable validation.
For anyone still studying, waiting on positive results, or picking themselves up after a setback: keep going! You are only so many sleepless nights, so many mistakes, and so many mental breakdowns away from your next big breakthrough!! Just when you think you can’t beat your head against the wall anymore, something will click, and the clouds will clear. Try to focus on consistency and showing up for yourself holistically, instead of seeking immediate reassurance through score changes. Allow yourself to celebrate and feel proud – fully, without minimizing it – for the small wins accumulated along the way. And, take frequent dance party breaks!!!
Off to go take my own advice, and celebrate this HUGE win by having a pool party.
Thank you to all of my mentors.